The Scorned Woman

 https://micheleelys.com/2019/01/28/the-scorned-woman/

THE SCORNED WOMAN

In my childhood, a familiar face, touched my body –

I sat there like a doll, he touched me again and again!

He told me that this was a secret game – not to be told to anyone!

With time, the game lay deep within a box in my mind, with dust piling upon it.

I grew up as a woman, the games no longer a child’s play.

With thousands of unseen scars and stains!

When the name of a damned woman was embedded upon my body and mind, I could not even understand what it all could mean!

I was stained as a scorned woman!

Many more hands, touched me, time and again,

The games turned out to be venom for me!

The marks of a shamed woman was bestowed upon me with sarcasm,

Making me bolder and rebellious,

Standing up against the gentle masks behind the actual facades!

I became fearless, finally rising against my own ashes!

My body is holy to me. My soul, covered with blood, yet complete and serene!

I was told by many – if I protest, the society will rebuke me!

Women who stand up for their rights are humiliated!

Many said, girls should be shy! Should be tolerant, be humble!

I did not bow down! Now, not a child anymore who did not understand the imprisonment, I broke free from the cage that chained me,

I told myself, do not be afraid to strip the masks of those people, who play games with a woman!

I did not care about the scorn, I told myself not to break down, not to crumble time and again – not to be afraid of speaking the truth,

I walk with a spine even today, and fight every moment – express my protest loud and clear!

I am proud of who I am! I am not ashamed of my story.

I am not a scorned woman in the so-called civilized society!

SOUL DIARIES

 https://books.google.co.in/books?id=7tIcEAAAQBAJ&pg=PR6&lpg=PR6&dq=upalparna+dey&source=bl&ots=Nwe1nVXvqG&sig=ACfU3U3p3aR0PGwWYWp0PLSdQgpwr2rJ3A&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjv4o_fi5j4AhWtTWwGHYyGA9s4HhDoAXoECAwQAw#v=onepage&q=upalparna%20dey&f=false

Forever as we know it

 https://books.google.co.in/books?id=emleEAAAQBAJ&pg=PA61&lpg=PA61&dq=upalparna+dey&source=bl&ots=U7NUR-0unl&sig=ACfU3U3Ki8_2sT6xHODGeyy2Wxrnqz0bHg&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjv4o_fi5j4AhWtTWwGHYyGA9s4HhDoAXoECAIQAw#v=onepage&q=upalparna%20dey&f=false

Inclusion of women victims of domestic sexual abuse in the #MeToo campaign

 

India has been talking more about inclusive movements over the last decade or so. Inclusive workplaces, inclusive education, inclusive social, cultural, and economic platforms. In actuality and reality, how much inclusion are we really practicing? The acceptance is yet to reach the real meaning and value of accepting and embracing.

While inclusion is being encouraged in different sectors, of late, to a certain extent in our country,  are we thinking of including women who are victims of domestic sexual violence in the latest uproar on the #MeToo campaign?

One of my ex-colleague from a leading publication house shared that women who face domestic sexual abuse should have a #WeToo campaign. While women from various parts of the country are bursting out, exposing abusers, and voicing out their experiences of sexual harassment at the workplace - why not a petition, a campaign for women who face the same at home? They deserve to be included and heard too on similar grounds.

Over the last couple of weeks after the #MeToo campaign broke out like fire, women from various parts of India, whom I am connected to through various mediums, have asked me several questions about the abuse they have faced inside the closed doors of their home over times.

Seeking some answer, some hope, which till today I have not been able to give, apart from an ear to listen out to them.

“What about us?” “Why can we not have a common platform to voice our experiences against the sexual abuse we face at home and seek justice?” “Is it just because we are legally married?” “Is it just because we are financially unstable?” and more questions of the like. I am sorry! I did not have an answer that could give them some ray of hope in these trying times. 

While victims of sexual harassment at the workplace have risen, more than ever, shouting out loud, protesting against the abuse they face and are fighting for justice through #MeToo, the inclusion of women who face domestic sexual abuse in the campaign is still a debatable issue. Ironically, India is one of the 36 countries where marital rape looms large.

The #MeToo campaign, amidst multiple controversies, is just the start of a war. Or, I would rather say, just the tip of the iceberg.

We claim to belong to the modernized century of equal rights and freedom. However, in a country where poverty looms large, women, from cross-sections of the society seldom have access to employment opportunities, education, or their rights due to various factors. Women have been sexually tortured, abused or raped, for years, in their homes for decades.

Not going into the exact statistics, I would just like to mention that only a minority of married women who are victims of sexual violence report their abuse. Women face domestic abuse in rural areas, towns, cities, and metropolitans. Over the years, it has crossed all social classes, racial lines, and age groups. Never to stop – nowhere?

Being a woman, I voice my views on female abuse through various platforms. However, till date, I have rarely been able to do much for those who suffer from the sexual abuse they face at home. Married women experience physical, sexual, or emotional violence by their spouses time and again.

Why married woman cannot / do not leave her abuser who is her husband? The stigma and taboo are way bigger than we can often imagine. The financial dependency, the children, and the social stigma - just to name a few - are overwhelming, mostly.

Women who are sexually abused at home have the tendency to remain quiet, agonized and emotionally disturbed for years. She remains tormented and the fear of being ostracised is too much to handle in situations where she is either uneducated or financially unstable.

She often keeps quiet because she feels that men outside the house are worse or the same. She fears being forced into prostitution if she protests and decides to suffer in silence till her last breath. The psychological setbacks and trauma affects her productivity in all forms of life for years.

For women who decide to break the silence and seek justice, the law systems have multiple loopholes. She indeed has a large price to pay for the freedom she wants from the abusive marriage. The financial expenses are most difficult for the woman to handle. The wait is too long mostly again. The trials are too many to face.

I stand up for those women who should be given the opportunity to unite under one roof, that of the #MeToo campaign, and be included in their fight against sexual harassment in their personal and professional life.

 I raise this inclusive campaign #WeToo where women from all sections of the society who are victims of domestic sexual abuse, should actively participate, encourage others with mutual understanding and stand up claiming for justice.

To you, with love

 My dear love,

I opened my eyes to find you sleeping in peace beside me. The innocence of a baby is reflected on your face. I felt the eternal moment each time you moved in his sleep.

The eternal moment when I found you inside a lost tunnel. The tunnel I entered and found no way to escape. When I knew the doors of life were closing upon me, I heard a window creak. A ray of light entered the dark tunnel. The light blinded my eyes for moments.

And then I saw you. Standing tall, firm with a mild smile on your face. When you woke up I suddenly felt shy to have kept my eyes fixed on you.

The mists had gathered all over the dawn and you held my hand. You knew my days were numbered but could never express the pain you felt to let me go. I could understand that you were trying to initiate a conversation but felt your voice choke up.

I felt it too! To assure you that I will see through this journey, I came ahead quickly to give you a tight hug. That was an eternal moment. The mists covered up in our eyes but we concealed it with strength.

When I opened my eyes slowly upon waking, I saw your silhouette beside the window pane. No, I was not dreaming. You made tea for me and kept the teapot on the side table. You were waiting for me to wake up and did not make a disturbing sound.

My vision was blurry for a few moments, making me wonder if I was in a trance. Then, I saw you smile, and that ripped through my heart. I could not imagine being anywhere else without you and rose up with a determined spirit.

I stepped forward holding your hand and stepped towards the balcony, attached to the room. The view outside was my dream place. A place I always wanted to be in. Forever, for eternity.

Mountains. Yes, there is where I wanted to live. I wanted to sleep amidst them. I wanted to breathe there. I wanted to fly like a bird above the snow-peaked mountains.

I wanted to move like a gypsy through the untrodden path. I wanted to breathe my last amidst the mountains.

The ruggedness of the mountains, the carefree nature of the mystical beauty, and the serenity were something I inhaled for moments together. My life was as mystical, as undefined, and free-flowing as the mountains.

The silent mountains bore testimony to the silence in my heart. The morning mist, with love — gave us new hope and faith. The fog engulfed us with a warm eternal hug.

I knew, deep within, that it was only you who could see through the crazy twists in my life. I knew there was no one else who could touch me the way you did. I had been through the worst and found you, standing beside me, all through, all along — unconditionally.

The cool breeze swept past our faces and we stood in silence, talking to ourselves about their life. You came closer to give me a hug that gave me all the peace she craved all through life.

You gave me a new reason to live — albeit be it for the moment. You ensured that I would be fine and would lead a healthy and happy life again. You gave me all the time I needed, running from one corner to another, to ensure my recovery.

You knew that together we would make it. You knew that my strength will see me through and your willpower will make the journey worthwhile.

The unsaid words, your untold conviction in me paid off. Every time you reached out to me, you reminded me of how fulfilling my life is. It was just a matter of time. You knew that I would rise up again and fight with death.

Slowly and gradually, you wiped all the scars of her life, the abuses she experienced from childhood, and the trauma she went through — with your firm grip.

You wanted me to be in my dream place and when everything else was falling apart, you ensured I don’t. So here I was.

My love was as deep as the depth of the mysteries of the mountain. It was you and nothing apart from you.

Your’s forever, Me

 ‘Abla Nari’

Are there any possibilities that a woman, who faces challenges in her personal life, will not be labeled as a coward or does not have the courage to take a stance to move ahead in life in her own way?

Hardly so! Not that it matters to many, even if they are financially independent, but I am sharing my views on women I know, including myself who do not hesitate to accept the harsh realities of life, hold on to their self-respect, create their own identity, and are yet trapped by circumstances. 

Though the notion of being considered an ‘Abla Nari’ (a helpless woman) is a common thing with our society, I have observed that a woman, who faces troubles in her personal life, is nevertheless considered to be weak and can be taken advantage of in any respect, especially in the personal zone.

The series of lockdowns post COVID have brought out real-life stories from the closet to my table like never before. I also realized the fact that a woman facing personal turmoil is considered to be a woman easily available for one-night stands, hook-ups and et al. It is taken for granted that she will fall for the bait to go to bed with anyone at the drop of a hat.

I mean, are we not overdoing all of this in our society, as men and women at large? Is it too difficult to digest the fact that a troubled lady can hold onto her own guns, have her own voice, can fend for herself, hold her self-respect and walk ahead with a head held high, irrespective of the trapped situations?

I guess it is. Again not that it matters to many of us, but to weigh this attitude and approach on a social scale definitely brings a result undesired and uncalled for.  As a matter of fact, making a passé to a woman is a thing that lies in a person's fingertips; as if that is the only thing she is looking for in life.

It is not about whether it makes any difference to the woman, but she deserves respect and should not be treated as an element for sex, even if I am not writing on the other aspects of this social attitude in this article.

The so-called ‘Abla Nari’ faces various challenges in life and again may not be able to take charge due to her circumstances, but she is not helpless in every way. However, that she is self-sufficient and headstrong should be a fact to be digested and accepted by the so-called decent society.

Take it or leave it, she is neither craving for attention nor is she dependent on sexual approaches to remain happy the way she is. This is not cool or a joke, albeit treated as one. 

The so-called ‘Abla Nari’ is determined and strong, giving importance to up-skilling herself and accepting the hard realities of life. She lies in you, in me. In us. 

THIS IS NOT A WOMAN’S DAY SPECIAL!

 This is not for women alone and not a woman's day special ! This is for true humans, for real life hero's, for leaders embracing diversity and inclusion and for the one's who are taking proactive steps for initiating global changes that is much needed today.

I was born a human about 46 years back. My parents had no qualms about my gender. Some family members did as we were a family dominated by the girl child but dad simply whiffed them off. They were celebrating my worth as a human. They aimed to raise me as a true human and I pray everyday that their wish comes true even if they are in their heavenly abode.

When I was 6 years old, someone from my family touched me. He hushed up the incident and I was too young to understand that there is a demarcation between being just a human and being a woman. My parents and teachers in school were trying to figure out the reasons why I was losing concentration in my studies. For the next two years another family member continued abusing me (between 7-9 years) during his occasional visits in our house.

I have spoken about my abuse many times, written, spoken about it on public platforms but I could not ever let go of those moments that caused so much damage to me, physically and mentally. By the time I started my cycle, I was having distorted ideas about my body because there was no outlet or counselling for my internal trauma.

No matter how much I had risen from those ashes and picked up my arms to hit out for any social menace, it had become impossible to let go of it.

With time I gradually taught myself to accept that, love my body, however it is, and rise above the abuse. I believed in myself, learning to trust the fact that I was rising above the challenges.

I grew up with the honest principals instilled in me and took the courage to speak about the challenges women in general are subjected to. I took charge of ensuring that women, including myself to rise beyond the shame and look past the negativity we all go through at some point in life. With time, I started sharing my experiences either through writing or public speaking and counselling many other women like me who faced deeper hardships in life. With help from my peers, I learned to overlook the shame which I was no longer ashamed of, and cherish what I was within as a human.

Till the time someone touched some my body, which was not even properly developed, I was bought up by two amazing human beings, my parents, who never made me feel that there is any difference between being a girl and a boy. My teachers in school had a farsight about how to enhance the human mind and later in life I realized their guidance and inspiration always work wonders to instill self believe and trust in myself.

Till someone hit and abused me for being his woman, I never felt the difference between the genders. For being married, for being a daughter in law and for not being a biological mother – the list never ended - I was always made to feel all the difference because of my gender. If at all there were actually any differences! The difference was simply and just socially made by humans – taboos served on an artificial platter of inflated egos and the sense of inferiority!

With time, I realized how the taboos were filling up my platter. Though I did understand all of them, I ignored to touch them and tried my best to keep others away from them too.

I was bought up in a liberal ambience with much to learn from. My male friends, who belonged to a neighboring school used to come over to my house to chat up with my father and gorge on the delicacies my mother made. My parents were very excited when I joined the Leadership Training Service in school under the mentorship of a teacher who may have realized that I was abused physically as a child.

Joining LTS enabled me to hone my skills and improve my concentration level. Though I remained an average student all through, my parents or friends never belittled me due to that. Neither that did not act as a hindrance for me to move ahead. I completed my post graduation in Mass Communications and started my professional journey after my marriage. I continued my passion for writing, public speaking, photography with the constant support of my parents and peers. We all face our shit in our way. The hurdles - with each experience, is a learning experience which we need to overcome and accept.

A woman might seem vulnerable when her circumstances are challenging or when she is facing a personal, professional and financial turmoil and the flesh may seem to come for free, but it doesn’t always work that way. It is integral to hold onto our beliefs, no matter what!

I didn’t feel till then that if I married the man of my choice, I would have to fight for my identity and my space. I didn’t feel till then that I was any different from a boy. My parents never told me or taught me that. Even if I feel all this today at the helm of 46, I am proud of who I am.

I refuse to be judged on the basis of my looks or my relationship status or my financial limitations and do not encourage anyone including women who stick onto social taboos that are often a part of our dual faced society! 

I have some grey matter, I hope! I certainly love learning everyday from my workplace, from my seniors. I look upon them and derive the inspiration to be a better human being everyday. I may smoke and drink occasionally but that makes me no different from a man who has probably been bought up the same way I was. I love to travel, take pictures, I love my pets. I enjoy talking to people from any part of the world, for heaven’s sake, I am a human and a woman who has created her own space for respect. My liberal upbringing doesn't make me available for anybody and everybody, anytime.

I am more than a pound of flesh, as a human, a woman, I have an identity. We all do. Even a woman who’s in the flesh business is – she’s doing her job. She deserves some respect. Our social taboos have already crippled us. Definitely when the respect of a woman is torn off, the man who rapes her has a distorted thinking pattern. Before punishing the men, it is important to teach them to walk the right path. To ensure every child has a healthy upbringing. The cycle of growth in our society moves in a zig-zag pattern, where gender disparity plays a pivot role for the challenges women face in their daily life.

It is beyond high time to encourage gender equality and address the challenges of gender differences that has spread like a global pandemic in today’s world.

Over the last year when COVID took the better of our lives, huge numbers of girl child has been forced to step back from the education they were receiving due to various reasons. We have to encourage education no matter how and contribute in our own way to erase the differences. We need to enable women to empower themselves so that they can freely contribute to the changes in the global scenario. It is important and a significant aspect to enable women to respect themselves so that they never face the inequalities, injustices and disparities which many face today. 

 This is not a woman’s day special article. This is a human day special.

 Whatever we go through, we have to go on. The hardships teach us lessons, and we learn from them and move on.