When I wrote about masks as a integral part of our system last evening, my brother shared some of his views with me. In fact it was a picture of his masked face that raised the topic and he asked me to start writing on this.
After a much prolonged exchange of views on this
subject, I thought there was more to masks than just what I wrote initially.
A deep insight into our own selves will enable us to
realize why we had a fancy for a physical mask as children...something that we
never realized back then. It was fun and exciting to cover our physical face
with the multi-coloured,
multi-shaped, multi-character masks we got. To
look like something else, to feel and sink into that self, to feel the super human
power of another being for a few moments.
But each moment added up as we grew to wear a mask and veil
our real selves for the major part of our lives. We evolved to become someone
we often did not recognize. We started living our characters in our own way, as
and when decided by situations, moments and experiences.
My parents always wanted a girl child and they gave
me the best they could. But as I grew up, I realized that there are numerous invisible masks I
have to wear always.
When I was 10, my mother told me that once I reach puberty there are a lot of things I should not do as a girl. I obeyed her religiously. My father told me that I can talk to boys, but not standing on the roads. My relatives, my neighbours, my childhood friends, my school, the roads that led to my house – every possible element around me, had a piece of advice for me to follow, even if I did not want to. There were and still are so many dictums I have to follow being a woman, living in this century, in times of women liberation, rights, power etc. But with each rule popping up from the rule book of the society, there was an invincible mask that I put up doing things that should be done to live in this society.
When I was 10, my mother told me that once I reach puberty there are a lot of things I should not do as a girl. I obeyed her religiously. My father told me that I can talk to boys, but not standing on the roads. My relatives, my neighbours, my childhood friends, my school, the roads that led to my house – every possible element around me, had a piece of advice for me to follow, even if I did not want to. There were and still are so many dictums I have to follow being a woman, living in this century, in times of women liberation, rights, power etc. But with each rule popping up from the rule book of the society, there was an invincible mask that I put up doing things that should be done to live in this society.
The phases : Remain a calm, sober, decent girl when
I start menstruating, not to mix with boys – with no sex education/ discussion back
then from parents or school or friends. Not to step up for a prayer to the holy
God, as I am stained and unholy. Not to engage in a routine life, not to play, not
to touch kitchen utensils, no-no-no for so many things just because i was
bleeding.With each month, I practiced wearing the stained mask.
When my parents started looking out for my marriage,
I was again given a mask to wear. To present a docile, talented, refined self -
again put up a facade of being someone I was not.
When I had my first romantic relationship, there was
a riot in the family, and much to their happiness that relationship ended very
soon. My next relationship was with the man I ended up marrying after
completing graduation in 1998. Again a facade, a mask was worn by me, this time
on my own decision, to let go of my days as a spinster. I stepped into a new
family, a new house, a new environment and taking over new responsibilities. Suddenly,
i become someone’s wife from a daughter. Gifted a new mask to carry on through
life, having to let go of a life i lived so long, step into a new life and to
change priorities overnight. To present myself as a perfect virgin lady to the
man I choose to marry and live my life with.
My first baby after my registered wedding had to be aborted because of social acceptance and because we both were jobless, unsettled then. I was still living with my parents after the registry and people though aware of my wedding, had not witnessed the social wedding party. My husband and i cried for hours, but then again it was all a hush hush affair and only my mother knew. The mask, again sank into my presence, for after killing my own baby, I had to go through a social wedding to satisfy the society and carry on with life. I never experienced motherhood after that.
How many times till now I have had to pay the price for being a girl child, a woman, a daughter, a wife, a childless woman, as an employee, as a girlfriend or as someone who is 42 today?
Even today, when I am standing on the crossroads of an unknown life, I have to wear several masks in varied situations. As a woman, I am still expected to remain silent when there is a volcano erupting in my life – personal and professional. I am expected not to smoke publicly, not drink publicly, not to hug any male friend publicly, no-no-no....to so so many things. Wear masks all the while, be a woman of perfection in all walks of life. Well, if that is the revelation, then today, I am ready to tear the mask off my face and be who I want to be, what I am. Yet feel the super human powers. Yet be confident. Yet dare to feel the varied shades of the masks sink into myself and evolve as a new me.
My first baby after my registered wedding had to be aborted because of social acceptance and because we both were jobless, unsettled then. I was still living with my parents after the registry and people though aware of my wedding, had not witnessed the social wedding party. My husband and i cried for hours, but then again it was all a hush hush affair and only my mother knew. The mask, again sank into my presence, for after killing my own baby, I had to go through a social wedding to satisfy the society and carry on with life. I never experienced motherhood after that.
How many times till now I have had to pay the price for being a girl child, a woman, a daughter, a wife, a childless woman, as an employee, as a girlfriend or as someone who is 42 today?
Even today, when I am standing on the crossroads of an unknown life, I have to wear several masks in varied situations. As a woman, I am still expected to remain silent when there is a volcano erupting in my life – personal and professional. I am expected not to smoke publicly, not drink publicly, not to hug any male friend publicly, no-no-no....to so so many things. Wear masks all the while, be a woman of perfection in all walks of life. Well, if that is the revelation, then today, I am ready to tear the mask off my face and be who I want to be, what I am. Yet feel the super human powers. Yet be confident. Yet dare to feel the varied shades of the masks sink into myself and evolve as a new me.
